Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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