At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
