I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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