My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
