When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
