Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
