The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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