hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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