I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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