Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
