sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
