Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
