Yo dont text me then not text me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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