she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
