I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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