She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
