is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
