My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
