So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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