seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
