By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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