Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
