look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
