tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I understand Curling. That high.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
