I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
