U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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