So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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