CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
