sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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