we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
