Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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