hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
