i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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