Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
