He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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