I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
