Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
