Just fell off a train. Bad.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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