my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
