My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
