i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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