she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
