She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
