Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
