I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
whose parrot is this?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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