I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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