she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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