Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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