Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
