half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
