Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
