How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
