Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
