How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
