Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
