At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
