i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the day after is always just damage control
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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