You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
