he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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